100 day countdown to the count-up or 30 minutes on 880

I was driving home from Kali seminar. I've always liked driving to class. It's always been a time where I can be alone and do one thing, drive. It's always been a time where I could reflect on my day previous or my day to come. And I remembered that my countdown calendar on my computer would tell me on Thursday that there was 100 days till my wedding day. 100 days left of my single life.

Right now we're running around buying stamps, trying to locate addresses, cutting ribbon, etc, to get these invitations out in the next week or so. While we've done lots of other things for the wedding prep (getting my dress made, shopping for the maid of honor dress), mailing out the invitations feels like the biggest step thus far. Because now, well, now it's an official declaration with an actual day and time printed on pieces of fine linen paper. Each step making it more and more solid.

And I thought about the 100 days left of my single life, grant it we've been together for the last 8 years, so it's not like I had a very long single life per se, but still, I didn't have a ring on my finger either. I thought about all the adventures and trips and experiences and ways of life. And i got really sentimental, because though I hate to admit it, I'm ridiculously sentimental. Must be a family trait.

And I got kind of sad, not sad depressing sad, but sad despedida sad. Because airports always make me cry especially the International Terminal. To wait behind the window and watch someone go through the final security check, happy for where they are going, sad that they are gone, missing them a bit already, knowing that when you see them again they will be a different person, and hoping we both come out of it for the better.

For all the running around in my life as of late, the drive home gave me a chance to assess all of the different emotions building and tumbling inside me, because there's an outer change and an inner change. And I imagined my single self standing just outside airport security hanging out til the very last second to be here, waiting with all her carry-on luggage, mingling, thumbing through magazines. And I started to sniffle and tear up a bit (not too much cuz I was driving), happy about where she had been and where she was going, sad to see her go, looking forward to seeing her on her return, changed, different, to come home as someone else. I miss her already.

And I wonder if we had chosen an engagement that wasn't quite as long as a year, the way most people I know do it, plan a wedding 4-6 months in advance rather than a drawn out 12 months, whether I would even notice these things in all the whirlwind. But I guess it's best to get it all out now, because the make-up artist will kill me if I smudge everything up. (And bet on it he's planning on standing by to powder over any smudges.)

As much as I'm sad to see my "single" self go, I'm looking forward to the life after, the count-up as it were. I'm looking forward to and excited about the new adventures, experiences to come. Alot of changes, alot of good changes. And this too makes me weepy.

Did I mention that I was ridiculously sentimental?

[Oh and, D, did we put boxes of tissues on the shopping list?]

Louisiana Fried Chicken

Merritt Bakery has always been a fried chicken staple in Oakland. A few years ago there was Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. There's also another chicken and waffle place in Jack London, but I haven't tried it. The latest add on is Louisiana Fried Chicken in downtown Oakland on Broadway near Grand Ave. Inside a mural of the family home in Louisiana on the left wall.

I had the 3-piece Chicken wings combo with dirty rice, added a piece of fried catfish and switched out the roll for the hotwater corncake. The chicken was nicely crispy, a bit salty, and had a good flavor. Not a strong spiciness at first, but the heat slowly built up. The dirty rice (spicy rice with meat bits) had more heat to it but not as raging hot as I expected. Catfish was really good. You can also get snapper or shrimp. But I really loved the hotwater corncake, which is this dense flat corn disk, slightly sweet, moist, with a delicious texture, certainly worth switching out the regular roll.

Additional sides include: greens, yams, coleslaw, mac and cheese. Dessert includes peach cobbler, sweet potato pie and 7-up cake. Pie was still in the oven and wasn't going to be done for another hour. Hmmm I'll just have to come back to try the rest of them.

mmm...mmm...good

I've got to go check this place out for lunch.

dream dictionary

Found this to be interesting Dream Moods

get your arias here

My brother posted a piece of UCLA Chorale singing Verdi's Requiem here.

can't be helped

I really do hate losing it in Kali class, but sometimes it can't be helped. The body still sore and recovering from Friday's all-women's class, I entered this morning's class rather stiff. Everyone demonstrates the technique on each other's body and you allow them to do the same to yours. The trick is to allow the blow to pass through your body rather than have it linger. It looks like a wave through the body. But being stiff didn't help much. Waking up late for class didn't help much either. But what can I say it was a good sleep on a Sunday morning? And I remember dreaming that I was late for class and that I was riding a mo-ped whose engine kept conking out on me. And I was riding through Oakland up and down these steep and busy roads. Oh, and I kept wondering if the brakes worked on it because I would squeeze the handlebars and it didn't seem like I was slowing down.

Anyway...
As much as I try getting the energy to pass through my body, there is a threshold when suddenly it seems as though the body is now unusually sensitive to the blows. I start to wince more, the body feels the shock more. It all seems to escalate and I can't keep up with it, the body refuses to let go and there is no longer an escape. And then you feel it, this mixture of panic, fear, vulnerability, lonliness, a feeling of being shattered, of being completely lost in your own body, of being completely detached yet experiencing my body fully. A feeling of breaking apart. And it hurts, not so much in a physical way, like when you stub your toe, but somewhere deep as if the body just wants to cave into itself.

Then I can't help but just full on weep, I can't hold on anymore, I can't pass the energy through, I can't relax. The weeping is the only thing left I can do.

It takes me a few moments to find myself again, but the sensitivity to another person's touch remains and I have to stop. As if even the slightest touch ripples through me.

And then I feel bad. I'm a bit embarrassed by it all. A part of me thinks that I shouldn't be so sensitive. I mean, I really haven't seen other people break down and cry in class. And I always feel stupid for crying. Then I get self-conscious and wonder what people think, am I doing it for attention, am I doing it for sympathy?

I hate crying in public. It's just about the last thing I would choose to do, simply because crying is a very private thing for me, and to be so intimate so publicly. So, why write about? Because I need to understand this thing, figure out what is really going on.

It takes a while for the experience to dissipate. Even in writing this 3 hours later I can still easily reach and touch that vulnerable spot inside me as the tears well up again. I have a headache and the body is tired and relaxed.

It makes me wonder about the path I continue to choose. It's less about a single choice as it is the choice to continue.

blue friday

I got two crates of hudreds of small royal blue pots for the wedding favors. They're going to look lovely with the green bamboo and the gold metallic tie. I have no idea how we're going to get all of them to the reception in San Ramon, but I'm excited!

Also got a call from our jeweler saying he found a stone match for my grandmother's ring, a nice Topaz blue. Seriously pondering the pair of blue topaz earrings he had on hand.

Been having a stressful week dealing with details, but there's something about that rich dark blue that calms me down. The color of the ocean, the sky after sunset. sigh. Glad it's the weekend.

most unhealthy Filipino food

OK, I might have to agree with this one. I never knew they actually jarred this stuff! Worse than chicarones, consider what those things eat. But damn, a scoop full of that in some steaming hot rice does sound good.

Vegetarian Pinoy

If you're ever in the LA area, I recommend Papillon in El Seguno just past LAX. Family run restaurant by owners Chris and Sherry. Along with the general veggie cuisine (tofu vegetables, etc), they have vegetarian version of Filipino items like: veggie adobo, escabeche, pinakbet (very Ilokano flavoring with a strong bitter melon taste). The halo-halo too was quite tasty. The vegetarian sotonghon was ok, but really liked Papillon's Choice.

Service was a bit slow as they were shorthanded the day we went, but well worth it for the food. And unlike the bay where there are numerous vegetarian restaurants like Lotus in downtown Oakland, LA has few and far between choices. Odd considering how "heatlh conscious" LA is supposed to be.

get lucky

Nick's Nineteen Day Supply of Happiness reminds me of those tubes that lottery balls fall in. And for some reason looking at a tube full of superballs makes me want to take the Nineteen Day Supply of Happiness and either 1) launch all of them against the walls of a narrow hallway at once (which is what we used to do with our superballs when we were kids or 2) drop them off of a really really tall building to see how long and far they'd bounce.

wedding purchases

latest wedding purchases -

- finalized design for wedding dress Sunday morning to be picked up early September. I'm still going to have to suck it in a bit for pictures. And try not to "gain" anything on my hips. Though having so many dress fittings makes me realize how much the shape of my body fluctuates on a regular basis.

- put an order in for the wedding favors: royal blue pots with 3 pieces of lucky bamboo for luck, wealth, and longevity. We liked the idea of handing our guests a bit of luck, wealth, and longevity considering that they had a hand in making us a pair of lucky people. Seemed better than crystal swans that make people twinge, or statues of wedding couples that don't look like us. Pots, stones to be delivered on Friday, bamboo to be picked up in September.

- 200 wedding invitations. So far, list is sitting just over 400. And you know it's one invitation that goes to a family of like nine! We actually don't mind at all. How often do you get a chance to bring together just about everyone who's been significant in your life and your family's life? Not very often at all. We should get the invitations by the end of the month, in time to hand them out at the next family party.

Soon to be shopped for -
- maid of honor and bridesmaids dresses. I've never been a bridesmaid, so I have no idea how to go about getting bridesmaid's dresses. Since my sister is older than me, she always got picked first, plus I never looked like I was someone who would be into that kind of thing. Do I just pick something, get their sizes and hand it to them? Do they have any kind of input on the kind of dress they wear? How do I get them the same color? what to do what to do.

A couple of negative purchases -
- throwing garter that Tatang "caught" at my cousin's wedding. Actually, they deliberately threw it to him 4 times before it landed in his hands. They threw the bouquet in my direction too and with my new rule of never letting the bouquet hit the floor if it's in relative reach, I caught it.
-sign in guest book, a gift someone got for their wedding but never used.

pump this

So much talk about gas prices because we are California after all and are obsessed with cars and the price of gasoline. Latest widget is one that will list what the lowest reported gas price in your neighborhood.

People sign up to be "spotters" to report the latest gas prices in their neighborhood so it's as accurate as there are spotters to report the prices.

There are some low prices in Calistoga:

we're not, but we could have

OK, so we could have gotten the morning traffic guy,Sal Castaneda to DJ our wedding, but we're not.

i got mail

Received a copy of Leny Strobel's A Book of Her Own in that gorgeous orange cover. Looking forward to flipping through its pages.

Cardinal Sin

Cardinal Jaime Sin has passed away. When he was head of the Philippine church he always made me believe that the Universe has a fine sense of humor.

another reason to go to France

I'm the lai, with no sort Of grave, solemn thought, And I Will never be caught By miseries sought, Nor sigh; Where battles are fought Or arguments brought, I fly. What Poetry Form Are You?

If you were confused as I am, go here to find out that a lai is an old form of French origin.

Alternatively, I might also be the Italian Ottava Rima form.

nursing angels

Basagulo's post reminds me of when my mother's mother was in and out of the hospital. The staff at St. Rose Hospital in Hayward were kind as she endured her last days. Our family appreciated their sympathy and patience. They moved her to a private room. Allowed us to linger in the hallway, as we waited for my uncle to arrive from half way around the world. She had chosen to no longer take treatment for her pneumonia, didn't want to live day in day out being choked by a tube that emptied out her lungs of fluid. That was two days before she died. It was then that I saw death as a slow lingering process, not one that's quick like on tv or in the movies.

Hospitals have tons of rules that come from the policy makers, the doctors, and anyone else who can enforce a rule. But it's the nurses who really manage the hospitals. They're the ones who adjust the medication that doctor's proscribe. They're the ones the make exceptions to family members lingering in the hallway. They're the ones that have to find the humanity amongst the bureaucracy.

I know my family thanked the nursing staff on my grandmother's floor but deep in my heart I thank those nurses and all the other nurses out there who do this each and every day for giving us those last days with her. It's really a thankless job.

Red Dwarf

Just ordered Season 1 and 2 of Red Dwarf for the Fiance, who was such a fan he taped them all to VHS when they had a Red Dwarf marathon on TV. Wry British humor in space coming to a mailbox near me.

Isis

Isis Indeed, you are 83% erudite, 87% sensual, 62% martial, and 50% saturnine.

This Egyptian supreme Goddess is certainly the most influential deity on subsequent cultures. She was the ideal figure of womanhood, usually compared with the Greek Goddess Demeter or her Roman version, Ceres. Isis was one element of a Holy Trinity, the remaining two figures being her brother and husband Osiris and their heroic son Horus. She was the Goddess of Magic for her brilliance, as well as the Goddess of Love because of her tenacious devotion. She is often shown with wings, curving to caress coffins and sarcophagi of many a king. In certain papyri she is shown with her falcon wing headdress, covering her ears. One of her sacred symbols is the sistrum, a musical instrument that was believed to ward off evil spirits. Isis' sistrum was carved bearing the image of a cat and was representative of the Moon. Isis was the High Priestess and an omnipotent magician as well as the only being ever to discover the secret name of Ra. She invariably carries the ankh, the symbol for eternal life. Her name is, by the rules of numerology, adding up to the number “2” and she just so happens to be depicted on the tarot card “Key 2 – The High Priestess”. The Fifteen Goddesses These are the 15 categories of this test. If you score above average in … …all or none of the four variables: Neit. … Erudite: Minerva. … Sensual: Aphrodite. … Martial: Artemis. … Saturnine: Persephone. … Erudite & Sensual: Isis. … Erudite & Martial: Sekhmet. … Erudite & Saturnine: Nemesis. … Sensual & Martial: Hera. … Sensual & Saturnine: Bast. … Martial & Saturnine: Ilamatecuhtli. … Erudite, Sensual & Martial: Maeve. … Erudite, Sensual & Saturnine: Freya. … Erudite, Martial & Saturnine: Sedna. … Sensual, Martial & Saturnine: Macha.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 68% on erudite You scored higher than 58% on sensual You scored higher than 71% on martial You scored higher than 30% on saturnine

Link: The Mythological Goddess Test written by Nitsuki on Ok Cupid

Juneteenth

There's a Juneteenth celebration at a client's office today though it's on June 19th.

The Maguis go home today.

My cousin has his promotions ceremony.

I have to pick up some banana nut bread from my mother.

Drop off some financial stuff to my dad.

spoke too soon

Mom just called about the 2nd tier list (ie people she'd like to invite if she could). Then of course, there's the "uninvited" list Efren mentioned. I hear Ed McMahon asking for the tally.

orgasmic baritone voices

Orgasmic bariton voices available now on my bro's blog.

no fast ones

My mother emails me, "I want to plan a surprise bridal shower for you with the family." Which translates to, surprising you is just way too much trouble, just tell me when you can have one. surprise. LOL!

Sigh. Something about me that's just too difficult to surprise. The Fiance always tries to surprise me with things. He tried to surprise me with a harana, but it ended up conflicting with my uncle's wedding anniversary. So he just told me, because he didn't have any other excuse to keep me home in time for the harana.

Though, I must say he managed to team up with a few friends to surprise me with his proposal. They were majorly stressed out. Then again, I kind of knew, it was going to happen soon because a month prior he had asked me about where he should send it. It wasn't safe to send it to his place with no one to get the package, he couldn't send it to my place. I told him that he could send it to D's mom, she was always home. When he did go and pick up the package, I had called him and he said that he got "lost" and ended up in Alameda, which for the Fiance is not too far-fetched.

I have this knack of just knowing things, or picking up on the smallest of cues and figuring that something is up. Well, the fiance is easy to read, hard for him to keep a straight face. Or in this case, our weekends are so packed, we're lucky to get a word in edge wise. June just started, and all our weekends are already filled.

I ended up forwarding my mom's email to my sister along with a link to our online calendar, so they could scheme something. I really don't want to think about when I should have my bridal shower, because then I'll get too caught up in those details when I really should be focused on other things.

drumroll please

I swear this wedding list feels like I'm on the Jerry Lewis Telethon and the numbers of people spin wildly as we wait for an official total. lol!

My family side has finally been listed both sides 155, though probably not all of them will show. Add 50 more for my parent's friends, another 45 for the Fiance's family, a nice even 250. Hey, this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Now it's down to our list of friends and such. This is doable.

with all the trimmings

This week, I've printed out the tentative wedding invitee list. A copy to my mother to verify family members another to the Fiance to check his list of friends, coworkers and family. Hoping to put in the order for invitations by the end of the week. Forgot they take 2-3 weeks to print, then we have to put them together and label them and send them out.

Have to check out the driving directions to see if they are accurate and won't get too many people lost. Never trust those direction websites! Though for the most part they are decently accurate, they can come up with the most complicated directions. Plus I had to choose a slightly longer route because I only have so many lines to place road directions.

Time just goes by so fast and while lots of people still assure me that there is plenty of time, it still feels like there never seems to be enough of it. Sigh. I've got to just remember to breathe.

still schtuff

The Fiance lucked out of babysitting duty as the niece stayed at a cousin's house.

We spent the day at our every few months or so garagesale in Alameda. To which, everyone is saying, "Dang, how much stuff can you have to get rid of?"

We started out with 4 people and have expanded to 9 people, seven of whom had stuff for the sale. It's been a rotation in terms of who brings more stuff. Some of us only bring a handful of things. One guy is moving in with his girlfriend, so he was getting rid of various duplicate items. And his girlfriend was getting rid of various "ex-boyfriend" gifts that had been lingering in closets.

Another person had recently moved to a smaller place and had a few boxes. And Ninong was clearing some of Ninang's clothes and shoes. It was sad seeing all her things knowing she wouldn't need them any more. Remembered some of her favorite outfits. At the same time it was enjoyable knowing that someone else would find good use for them. One woman took quite a bit of her outfits to use for costumes in theater. It was nice to think that Ninang was still supporting the arts.

We sold alot of the stuff for $1 a bag. If they could stuff it in a bag, they could have everything in the bag for a $1. Larger items were a bit higher.

The first garagesale was easy. Easy to get rid of things you knew you were going to get rid of anyway. But subsequent ones are trickier, take a bit more soul searching as we let go of things from people not in our lives anymore, dealing with the relationships we used to have with them but no longer have. These things are much harder to let go of, they are filled with regret. Jackets our mothers gave us. Ex-boyfriend gifts. Ninang's shoes. Things we bought way overpriced now worth next to nothing yet still hardly used.

The focus on the garagesale though is karmic return. To be free of not just items, but to be free of the sadness linked to those items, in the hopes of setting them free and setting ourselves free. One person let go of some jackets his mother had given him. He didn't want to let them go because now that she was gone, there was a sadness in thinking that she was not here anymore and that the jackets were a reminder of her. But there are memories and then there are memories. Memories that gather dust in closets, fading over time. And then there are the memories that we use and engage, the ones that are vibrant and alive.

We let go of these things in the hopes that better things will take their place. I've been mentally taking note of the things that have come into my life from these sales. The last couple of times, I got several things that encouraged "rest and relaxation". This time, I got a snowboard and a kite (our dad bought for us when my brother was 6, my sister had it all this time). I guess the karmic return it telling me to go outdoors this time around.

With the upcoming nuptials we figure we'll need to do a few more garagesales. Changes in life, change the things you bring into your life, and the things that go out.

fodder for matchmaking

OK, my Brother posted his results from a Dating Profile Quiz. Check him out, er, if you want to check him out.

wedding and weddings

My cousin's wedding went well. Church in Santa Clara that has gigantic metal statues of Mary, like she's the Statue of Liberty. I'm not sure if it was because it was the priest's first wedding, or that no one went to rehearsal, or that the nun was just like that, but the nun who was doing the wedding coordination for the wedding was simply announcing each segment of the wedding. "stand" "sit" "bless the bible"

She scolded one of my cousin's kids, who is 6, about how he should know how to dress himself. I don't know about her, but I don't know how many 6 year olds really knows how to wear a tuxedo suit properly.

I found it interesting that the sermon by the priest who admitted he had just met the couple just before the ceremony, had a huge emphasis on having kids and how sex without children is meaningless. Followed by the prayer intentions including "we pray for the end of abortions." Yeah, I wasn't a part of "we pray to the Lord" on that one. I kind of figured the topic was a top down emphasis by the new pope, since his big thing is pro-life. Still, the sermon is hard to buy coming from a priest who probably doesn't have kids, because he's not married, thus doesn't have sex. And why are we listening to him?

My cousin had a long beautiful veil that was longer than her dress. It must be in style. I get to go through fabrics and tiaras in a few weeks, so I'm taking notes.

I really hope the church lets us have kulintang music in the church. Watching my cousin enter and exit the church, I realized I am NOT a "Here comes the bride" kind of gal.

The reception was nice at a local golf clubhouse. Got reaquainted with my dad's side of the family, saw some third cousins we hadn't seen in ages, but with whom we essentially grew up with. The MC mixed my dad and uncle up when announcing who would be giving a speech. My dad mentions that he came {this close} to having married into my cousin's husband's family. He was dating the groom's father's sister just before he got together with my mom. Oh, how our lives would have changed forever! The groom's dad is from the same hometown and he was happy that one of his sons married someone from his hometown, even though the kids grew up in Mindanao.

My favorite MC moment was when she announced a surprise entertainment, then proceeded to tell us everything about the surprise.

During the bouquet toss they got me to go up there, along with another cousin who is set to be married a month after us. I thought we're a done deal, no need to try for the bouquet. Of course, my bride cousin rigged it to toss it right to me. Ok, so it fell short a few feet and I stepped in to catch it before it hit the ground. Ever since I had gone to a wedding where the bride had to toss the bouquet FOUR times because all the women there ran away from it like the Plague and watch it fall to the ground, I promised that I wouldn't let a bouquet fall to the ground if I could help it. It's just sad to toss a bouquet that many times.

Of course, when it was the Fiance's turn with the garter toss, my cousin whispers to her new husband to essentially aim it his way. But, the distance was just too far and they still had to toss it 4 times till it practically smacked him in the face. I must admit it was fun catching the garter and the bouquet together. And I got some ideas for our own bouquet/garter toss and you know it's going to be different.

Arrived at Brava for the Maguindanao show and concert. I guess it must have slipped my mind that I had said yes to reprising my role as groom mother tonight. Good thing I showed up early. It's an easy role, look regal, walk around, sit, watch the show, have a good time.

I was dressed in a royal blue blouse, adorned with "gold coins" to symbolize the wealth of my family. The malong was a lovely, rainbow colored malong in very rich colors, for my head a tendong/head cover, with light blue scarf over it. Lucky for me, our entire "family" was tall from the Datu on down. For all the different ways to wear a malong, can I say that just about the most regal and "sexy" way to wear one is by holding it up with one hand. There's a certain daring attitude and confidence to the style. The cloth is pulled to one side and draped over your forearm, with maybe it being held taut by a bit tucked under your elbow.

I really loved wearing that outfit, you couldn't help but be regal in it. I told a friend in the audience that it's just damn near impossible to look bad in any of this stuff, we were just meant to wear bold colors. In the same way that it's a rare Filipino guy who looks bad in a barong Tagalog.

This was the second marriage for the "groom" which is ok, because they tolerate multiple wives in Maguindanaoan culture.

We were supposed to be acting on stage interacting, looking like we're enjoying ourselves, clapping for the performers. And though I do understand that we're supposed to be royal, why does royalty always equal sterness as if I was England's Queen Mother. Really, the only one with the stern look is supposed to be the bride. Her aunties will even pinch her to make sure she keeps that face. Needless to say it was difficult to look like you're having fun yet have an air of regalness because our brains don't correlate the two.

We should be done with weddings for now with only ours to look forward to. Which reminds me, we've got to get cracking. Got to order the invitations soon!

Fading Friday

Lots of little stuff to get through this week. Paperwork to push to get some free edumacation courses for work. Finding time to get around the campus to various clients.

This weekend, busy as ever: Saturday cousin's wedding at lunch; Maguindanao concert at Brava in the evening; Sunday: garagesale and babysitting the Fiance's niece (I don't think he wants to handle her alone, but I'm not changing the diapers. Besides, the Fiance could use the practice. hehe) And somewhere in between, buying more 12 cent fish for the fish tank.

This evening helping the Fiance look for stuff for the garagesale.

Have a good one!