Friday, March 14, 2003

Been hesitating on posting again. Feeling like these pregnant rainclouds overhead ready to burst, but not. You can feel the clouds press heavy and the rising humidity on your skin, yet it's still dry. And I hate to post when I'm feeling ornery. [grumble grumble] Lots of things to feel ornery about: economy, war, etc. Whenever I'm in one of these moods, my hands hurt, like they're plugged up or clogged...lack of creativity. And I walk around feeling like I should hit something really hard. That wouldn't do much of anything either, but there's something satisfying feeling the force on one's body. It's like pinching yourself to see if you're dreaming.

Every day there's someone new who's been layed off. Teachers now are on the chopping block. Even casual jovial talk has me pissed.

Maybe I should think back on Kali class yesterday, since it was a good class and I was in a good mood. The lesson was on going with the flow. And being a lead who keeps the flow going. Next the lead times it so he blocks the flow of the follower, forcing the other person to change direction or pivot. So, when they become blocked they train themselves to look for a new opening, a new direction, a new angle where they can go.

The pivot, the change of wait, the turn of direction. Most times when something blocks our path, we stop, scream at the blockage, find ways to go through it, cuz we're stubborn and hate to change the direction if we don't have to. Isn't there that quote going around, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result." Right now, I'm cursing the blockage, though I know it's futile. Sometimes it just feels good to scream.

I'm trying to stay away from seeing people in person. Wouldn't want to inadvertantly scream at them. [grumble] Besides if I scream at them, then they're grumpy and that just dominos a wave of orneriness. Particularly coming from an immigrant family, I've seen how frustration travels through a family. Dad comes home, dad is upset, yells at mom, mom is upset, yells at kids, kids beat up toys. But I'm not about that. I'm not going to be that domino that tumbles. I'm the filter, let the good stuff through, find a way to recycle the bad stuff. Even plants grow from a bit of shit.

Eventually, I'll get tired of screaming. Eventually, I'll find something I can't feel so grumpy about. Eventually, these rain clouds will burst. Eventually, I will find a pivot point. Eventually, my hands won't hurt. I just need to be patient.

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