Tuesday, May 06, 2003

This will have to be my last blog for a while. These last few days have been hectic. While my spirit has already left the country, I've had to focus on getting stuff done here. Like calling Philippine Airlines to "confirm" my seat. I've been kicked off enough flights for not "confirming" my ticket, which I don't quite understand. You would think that when you buy a to the Philippines, for sure, you would be there to sit in that seat. If you don't "confirm" then they may book your seat to someone else.

I'm finding the littlest things are unnerving me which is kind of atypical for my usual calm cool self. Maybe it's also cuz my immune system is going off the hook producing antibodies from all these shots: polio, tetanus, Hep A, Typhoid. I really should have gotten the shots 3-4 weeks ago, because that's how long it takes for them to kick in. Oh well.

My Kali teacher tells me, "too much energy." You would think having too much energy wouldn't be a problem. But my mind and spirit haven't adjusted to the gear change and when that happens they slam the breaks on everything, as if a pebble in my path looks like a boulder. Too much energy makes the pot boil over.

So, I sit and watch rainbows dance on my walls from the crystal hanging in the window. Rainbows are just rainbows and bear little weight on my already frazzled nerves. You would think that going on vacation would make me more relaxed. And I probably will be relaxed once I get over there, texting my heart away. But maybe too, all of this is a bit of soul and spirit cleaning, cleansing. Get rid of some of this fear.

Fear of what? The Kali Gura is afraid? The one who can take on 3 guys open handed? The Jedi Knight fears? How can that be? Fear is strange that way. Has a way of creating logic when their is none. There's always fear in choosing one thing over another. Fear of the future, fear of regret, fear of dreaming, fear of living. 99.9% of the time I don't fear these things. But during that .1%, it's important for me to be afraid, to be frazzled, to be vulnerable. Why you ask? Because if I pretend the .1% never happens, doesn't happen, then it means I have to contain it, create a strong box within me to hold it in, my back hunches, my shoulders curl, all in an attempt to hide it, to create the illusion. But fear breeds quickly in dark compact spaces and eventually finds a way of escaping. By that time I would have created so many walls to contain it, even I would get lost.

So I tell myself, today you can be the frazzled nerve, use pillows as sponges for tears, jump at sounds. Tomorrow will be better. The rainbows know this as they line in proper order. There is a spectrum, there is an arch. You can't always be on top. You won't always be on bottom either. Each part of the spectrum has its own beauty.

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