just getting through it

I have been feeling like my emotions have been a raw nerve set open to the wind these past couple of weeks. Things that usually don't bother me have resonated like a bad chord. And the worst part is, I have no idea why I'm being teary eyed. For the most part, I've been a person to take things in stride, have things in perspective. Yet as much as my mind can understand the true weight of things, my eyes set to water so instantly. Like my skin so red and raw that it senses each change of breeze.

I went to my teacher's seminar the other day, outside in the light rain. It felt like being in the Matrix. My teacher told me afterwards, I was reserved. I suppose I was just trying to protect the delicate nature of my emotion. I don't like to cry in front of strangers. I rarely cry in front of friends. I'm like my mother in that way.

I'm not totally out of it, been watching movies, hanging out with friends. But it's the quiet moments that get me. The fear in me that I keep at bay most times has decided to come front and center. Like most fear, it's irrational and can't be rationed with. It freezes me.

I write this in my daily attempt to simply keep moving. Go through with daily life and get through the little stuff each day. Check my phone calls, answer emails, teach, go to work, eat, write a blog.

There are things I am avoiding. These things seem small. And I'm sure they probably are. Part of me just wants these things to go away. Part of me knows it is not that easy. The more I avoid them, the greater the fear grows.

I remember this fear. It's presented itself before. It's the fear of the fictionalized self. I begin to wonder who I am and who is this person people see me as. And I wonder if this is all true. Then I'm not sure who I am and things begin to feel hollow. The last time this happened, I forgot who I was, I forgot my name.

My mind races back through memory trying to locate the experiences that got me out the last time. sigh.

I know what I have to do. Yet I hesitate. I am selfish. I am scared. I am annoyed with myself because my mind knows it is simple. I am still afraid.

I sit at the edge of a high peak. The path below looks steep and rocky, but the view is breathtaking and I think why not just stay here. But I know the truth. I cannot stay here. The view is a moment. Something will eventually push me to take that step but I'd rather do it on my own.

I just need a bit of time.