on tweaking tradition

My mother has been reading wedding ettiquete websites lately. She read one where it said it was "tacky" to have a money dance. The website must not have been Filipino. The bridal magazines are full of "miss manner" type advise, who is supposed to pay for what, who is supposed to arrange for what (the bride, the groom, the parents). American culture dictates the bride's family takes care of the wedding. Filipinos say the groom's family does. In a Filipino-American wedding, I think we'll be splitting it down the middle.

Frankly, weddings cost way too much (you could buy a mercedes benz cash) with the average cost of a wedding, to even ask one side to pay for the entire thing.

In Filipino weddings, the line of sponsors grows longer and longer. Traditionally, the sponsors are asked to pay for an aspect of the wedding, like say the Bride's dress, or the flowers. Thus, the increasing list of 10 pairs or more of "godparents" to spread the bill. In the Philippines, the sponsors are often tactical maneuvers to reinforce political bonds.

They also say that weddings are formal affairs without kids, mostly a monetary constraint. Then again, where's the fun in that? Well, most of the extended circle probably won't bring their kids, but certainly our close family will.

As we come across each "tradition," we've been deciding which ones to keep, which ones to toss, and which ones could use some fine tuning and upgrading.

We're going to bring in the Pamanhikan, which Chatty mentioned before that she will be digging deep into her Illocano roots to "represent" the SO's side. In this ritual, it emphasizes the importance of the woman to the family. They "lose" a daughter, and don't "gain" a son. Such loss demands compensation. I'm looking forward to this. It brings me back to the days of "courting" and "courtship." Makes the two sides realize the value they place on their children. The bride's family wanting to make sure that the groom has the means to take care of their daughter as well as acknowleding how each of the family members contribute to the functioning of the family. It's more than just two people, you are uniting whole families and communities in the process.

As for the "sponsors," we believe that what they have given us already is more than any monetary value. We wanted to pick people, couples specifically, who have over the years have by their example shown us what a good marriage entails through both the sadness and the joy. We have watched them raise families, build homes, survive struggles, and simply get through the day to day happenings of married life. It is a way for us to acknowledge the wisdom and knowledge they have already imparted.

Website or not, we'll certainly have a money dance. But this is a tradition we might tweak just a bit. I attended several of Chatty's marriage ceremonies to poetry. Watched how people pinned poems on the bride. The money is really a symbol of the prosperity and richness that people want to send off with the couple as they begin their marriage. So, I'm thinking, maybe we'll open up the money dance to more than just money, but also include poems and maybe strips of paper with words of wisdom. These too I find "valuable" and "important." If people want to be more "traditional" and pin money, that's fine too.

We're looking at tweaking a few other things too. Some parts will be traditionally "traditional," others will be variations. But in looking at tradition, I am reminded of the "value" and "wisdom" that these traditions are meant to pass on to the next generation. It's important then to understand the meaning of these traditions and to ask ourselves, what values we share with our ancestors, what values have changed, and perhaps give a couple of old values an updated look.