not a bad ramble

I enjoyed going to Jean's Class today. I was a bit worried walking up the hill in a relatively hot day in Berkeley that their minds would be mush on a hot sunny afternoon. Which is partially why I bring a blade to things like this, people can't afford to fall asleep around sharp objects or sharp looking objects.

They read my essay in Pinoy Poetics on Kali and Writing. This is the second time I've spoken on the essay and I always come out feeling like maybe I said too much or maybe not enough. Mostly because Kali and Writing and in particular Kali AND Writing can give me a serious case of the "Shining Eyes", that I just hope I make some kind of comprehensible sense. Did I give enough background? Did I cover too many subjects? The talk could have gone on in any number of directions, things that I could have said perhaps.

Oh well, I'm sure if they have anything to say, they may post it on their blogs. At least I think they were paying attention. I didn't see anyone drooling on their desks.

Jean asked me about whether I was afraid of physical pain. At this point in my life, I am not. I figure that the body heals well before the heart and soul ever do. There are bigger fears that transcend the body. Question is whether I let my fears keep me from living.

One of the students asked me that in my writing whether I was afraid of putting too much of myself out there. And I replied, what I usually fear is whether people read something I wrote 10 years ago and think that I am still that person. That I am not necessarily the person on that page.

My cousin instant messaged me the other day saying that they were reading Leny's book, "Coming Full Circle" in class. It's been nearly, what, 8-9 years since I was that person in the book. My cousin obviously knows that I am not that person in the book, but she gets a different look into who I am, a side the family never really saw. And I always wonder how people perceive who I am based on what is written there. I kind of laugh at how none of us chose to take on "fake" names for the book that we were all crazy/daring enough to sign our name to the page.

So I thought it funny, that the student asked about whether I was afraid of putting too much of myself out there. And all I could think was, it's a little too late for that. haha!

But then I also answered that there were enough facets of me that I never feel fully exposed. So many identities rolled into one, that a side is always hidden no matter which way you turn it, which is reassuring.

oh, I could have kept going about so many other things. About argumentative essay writing as verbal sparring, about Mulan and the feminine heroine archetype, about Ghost Dog the movie, about changing morality that morphs the idea of "hero", and on and on. oh well.

In the end, I hope they got something out of it. In the end, I know I did.