the abyss
Bec sent a couple of poems for the money/poem dance. One of them by Karol Wojtyla. That poem in particular came at quite the coincindental moment as I received a letter from the church approving my dispensation for the wedding. I never completed first communion in any formal way, plus at the moment when the priest asked if I was practicing, I said no.
And at the moment he asked, that was the honest answer. Of course that brings us into all sorts of complicated paperwork of trying to get Rhett's baptismal papers since he is the "practicing" one. Looking back, I probably should have said yes, but when I'm not sure I tend to say no. Because though my faith comes through in many different ways, Catholicism still is the base from which my faith stands, but I haven't really been going to church on a regular basis except for the major holidays. But come Easter Saturday my heart is called home.
At the time I answered I really didn't know what they meant by "practicing". If it means going to church every Sunday, then no, I haven't done that in ages. But when I do go to church, I do go there. And when I am sitting in its walls I am present. And when I go to receive communion I do it with the most honest of intentions. And when my family gathers for rosaries to honor those who have passed on, I say these prayers with a clarity in my heart. And when things happen in my life I feel I am blessed by the higher power and when they don't I ask that same power the strength to continue. And when Pope John II died, he was my pope.
I still don't know why I said no. Perhaps it's because I didn't think these reasons I have for practicing were "legitimate" and I doubted my own practice. I am good with my God. I am good with Jesus. I'm even good with my religion to some extent. But right now, I'm not doing very well with the bureaucratic side of the church that dwindles my faith to a yes or no answer. And I have to admit that it hurts. And I can feel it around the 3rd or 4th lumbar. Is it my church because they say they are? Or is it my church because I say it is? It depends on who you ask.
In answering No I asked a question. Looks like the answer is coming in just about now.
1 comment:
It's a complicated thing, I think, to try to reduce faith to a simple Yes or No. Too many narratives, too many histories to squeeze into one little syllable of a word.
Having gone from Cradle Catholic to New Age Pagan to Reaffirmed Catholic over the span of 4 decades, I've learned that like all relationships, relationships with the Catholic Church are complicated things, irreducible even to 300 pages of catechism, let alone yay or nay.
I guess that's why I like JPII's writing - his poetry has startled me, like the Abyss poem I sent. I sent it along because I think we all face the Abyss and being married can be something that lights that space, brings a sense of comfort, and awareness that we're not /really/ alone. Anyway, that's kinda what I was thinking when I sent it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. Bec
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