anxiety

This weekend I started feeling the anxiety of the impending nuptials. Doesn't help that the hormones are swinging to their monthly highs at the same time. I kept sniffling like the back of my nose was dry. I needed lots and lots of sleep. I could feel the tension in my shoulders. Plus my coworker is on vacation this week which means I get all the calls from his clients and mine which accounts for some 150 machines from Oakland to Berkeley.

It's not so much the number of people, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that most every spare waking moment is used to plan and think and make arrangements. I'm looking forward to next week when I'm off work and we've planned a spa day with my Maid of Honor, mom, and sister for manicures, pedicures, facials and massages a couple of days prior to the big event.

What's hard too over these past few months is that everyone has advise or a comment on how something or other should be done, even after it's already been done and there's no going back on it. Vendors, family, friends, all have opinions and comment on something or other. It's the one part that I think grates the most. As much as I've not been a perfectionist for my own wedding, it's hard to ignore. And it's easy when you start questioning one thing to start questioning alot of other things from the favors to the invitions to the dresses, to having this wedding at all. It's an evil evil domino effect. "Should have" is probabaly one of the worst things to be thinking in my brain right now. Because there is no one "right" way.

But I have to admit, there's alot of things done already: music for the church, table seatings, favors, wedding video. Hell, we've even paid for most of the it already. So, it's actually going good. And there's nothing like making a list to check off that helps one balance out the anxiety.

Clients at work are slowly finding out about my upcoming wedding. When they ask when is it and how big, I nonchalantly rattle off 12 days and over 300 people, while they gasp and look shocked at the numbers and why I'm not a nervous wreck. Who says I'm not or haven't had my moments? And well, I'm at work and I have a job to do and really don't have time to go crazy at this very second. Hell, there's even an expectation on how I should be feeling right now.

Still to do this week: meet the dj, record kulintang music, get a few other church forms, send out invites for the wedding rehearsal.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to next week, when I can have some time to myself, get enough sleep, and be able to look forward to this day rather than second guess looking back and somewhere in between be able to be in the present enough to look around and see that life is rather really good. We can afford the wedding we want, we have 350 people we want to have at our wedding and who are really happy for us, and most of all, we get to marry one of our best friends: each other.

12 days to go...