barometer's falling

Maybe it's the weather. Maybe caffeine withdrawal (I never drink caffeine so am particularly sensitive to it). But I was thinking alot about my future. About all the things I had wanted to do, the things I still want to do. I think I'm really starting to feel being in my 30s and what I saw the next ten years to be. I'd been feeling impatient with my life.

There's something about the way air feels before a rainstorm. Maybe it's the moisture in the air, the electricity that sparks visions. On the drive back from kali class I thought about who I was in my 20s, the dreams I had, the goals I accomplished, the kind of person I was as a teenager and who I had become. Of the things I fell short on and the things that blocked me from those directions.

I realized that sides of me that these personas that had previously been more public will probably more private. And others that had been more private will become more public. And though I don't plan on officially changing my name, I will be changing my name. In one sense, I will be changing my name or at least I will be getting an additional name, I will become Mrs. Pascual. Being an amateur study in numerology, this in and of itself is a powerful thing. How I choose to name myself and how other people choose to call me or react to me by my new identity. There are things that I want to do in these next ten years that will require me to distinguish my different public personas from each other. That I am tired of them eminating from one name and one name only. That there are aspects and traits of each of the names I will choose for myself that will enhance or bring certain skills to the things I want to accomplish and do. That the only way to accomplish all the varied things I want to do will be to differentiate them from each other.

So the next ten years. I'll be out there in various ways. And maybe you'll know it's me. And maybe you won't. It was clear on this evening with clouds filling the sky, that I must be both seen and unseen, that I must be many people at once, and in that multiplicity I will find a truth and honesty that will hopefully bring me closer to my dreams.

18 days to go...