a new posture

This weekend was the first time I'd been to kali class since hurting my back and gaining this new taller non-slouching posture. Yes, of course, I was teaching my own classes, but limiting my own participation.

And while my body could do the gross movements, there were some strange sensations when I wanted to do anything smaller. I could feel my feet more, but it was if my hands completely disappeared. I couldn't feel much of anything through my hands. Not that my arms were numb or I couldn't touch things, it was the internal feel of my arms. I would hold a weapon and look at my hands and have this strange feeling that my brain had no idea where it was in relation to my body. I was like, huh, this is new. Then I went to feel the rest of my body and I got lost. Like I was watching the scene in Priscilla Queen of the Desert in that moment that they realized that the Australian outback is a huge vast space that seems to stretch through to the horizon and you have no idea what your place or relevance to that space is. I had no idea where I was or how to make anything really do anything. Everything looked different. I have no idea what to do. This can be quite a disconcerting feeling when someone is throwing a punch at you. I tried to push through with whatever I could get my body to do which wasn't much. Things like this happen. You just have to reacquaint yourself. Everything becomes new again.

But, there's nothing like disappointment to push open the emotional door of doubt, fear, anger and jealousy afterwards. And suddenly realize not just the fears of the moment but of the future and of the past. The realization that the status quo of our lives is an illusion we make for ourselves. The doubts that come when wondering about the direction our lives are taking even knowing full well that this was the direction we chose. I missed the past I could never return to, I was afraid of the future. And isn't it always like this for me just before something happens? When I'm getting close to something, the last big hurdle is the emotional one. The step back before the step forward.

One of the other guros commented that they noticed that I was taller and I replied, that I really couldn't afford to slouch, which hurt my back. I came to realize how much slouching was a part of who I was and how I saw the world. I slouched alot because growing up I had been shy and being taller than most of the family made me really self-conscious and so I slouched, slouched so much that I couldn't really stand up straight as the muscles had conformed to the slouch. But I have a feeling that soon I won't be that person any longer.

Sometimes you have to cry, it just makes it easier to let go. And while I find myself still a bit lost, it will take some time to figure out this new view, alot more things will have to break, but I did gain the slightest shred of lucidity for the next few steps to come. Some changes I need to make. Some things I need to do. There are some significant things coming up and its time to prepare.