Wednesday, November 21, 2007

a time of fruition

Alot of things that have been going on at work in particular that are pushing me to the forefront to take a leadership role in the group. I'm getting used to slipping into the roles and challenges. And deep down it's a role that I actually enjoy playing and that I've naturally gravitated to.

And yet, there was a part of me that flashed back to old fears. The last time I remember feeling this way was when someone first asked me after I had been promoted to Gura if I would teach them, if I would start a class. No, no, no, I said, I have plans, I was going to move across the country and I don't know do something. But door after door closed in that direction and the one door left was the road to teaching kali. I'm not crazy enough to ignore the messages, especially one so drawn out in large letters. But I still had my doubts of being ready, of being good enough even though everyone around me thought it was a natural step.

I had similar fears about this too. No, no, no, I'm not supposed to be focused on this, I'm supposed to be focused on other things. But what can you do? I always told myself that when opportunities arise so big and so obvious that I would always make sure to take them despite myself. I already know what my life is like now and what it would be if I don't take the opportunity, but oh what will my life be like when I do take the risk. I may hem and haw about taking a leap of faith, but I'm often the one to close my eyes and make the jump.

I chatted online with a friend and she puts it bluntly, "We're women. We can handle it. We do it all the time!" And then I remember and my fears go away. Sometimes I just forget that well, this is what women do. And it all doesn't seem so huge anymore.

There's a difference between planning for the future and controlling the future. The latter is impossible to do as there are timelines and arcs and just plain luck that you're just not aware of. That you can plan for the future, but at the same time things happen when they happen and you just deal with it and roll with it when it happens.

And I really have to remember, that life is good and these things that are happening are good, so why not accept goodness into one's life. And you can't be afraid to step up and claim that.

1 comment:

Leny said...

just do it, michelle!!