Friday, May 30, 2008

there's always something

Was chatting with a recent college grad. She was chatting with a friend who still had a year left. They talked about guys. Her friend was worried about finding someone and not being alone when she is older. They are in their early 20s. Her friend didn't think she could understand since the college grad has and has had a boyfriend for a few years. The grad didn't know what to say to her friend.

I found it all rather funny.

At 23, you worry about finding the love of your life or wondering if the one you got is the love of your life
At 33, you worry about having children
At 43, you worry about your marriage
At 53, you worry about your children again
At 63, you worry about retirement and wonder where life went
And hopefully you don't think you spent most of your life worrying.

Another friend of mine, who is older, often reminds me there is no time in this life to think about what you didn't have. That you really have to appreciate the things you have in the moment you have them. But I must admit some days are harder than others to have that appreciation of life. Why is it so easy to think of what is not there than to see what is?

I admire the faith another friend has in her God. That God gives when you are ready, and that He gives when it is time. A part of me looks back on the life thus far and her words ring true. And then there are the impatient moments when you want to be ready now or doubt you'll ever be ready. But that is the great leap of faith, is it not? To release yourself from doubt. To find happiness in the moment.

And of course there are various amounts of worrying and each person takes their own order of worrying. At 23, I had broken up with the guy I dated in college, graduated from school, got a job, lived on my own for the first time. I don't remember ever thinking about whether I wanted to be alone or not, I do know I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. Then the eventual-hubby came into my life and never left. I can't say I remember thinking if I was ready or it were "time".

The strange reality of each moment of life is that it always feels like it has been this way for eternity for good or for bad. Even when we had gone out for only a few months, it felt like he had always been here.

And I have to really believe that the people that enter my life before and after this moment have always been here, are here now and will always be here.

Though I don't blog as often anymore, I seem to keep coming back to this idea of the past, present and future always existing in the current moment. A tessellation of time. Oddly enough, I'm finding a great deal of comfort in that. Let me stop now before this becomes some bad episode of star trek.

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