on mastery

Went to my teacher's class last night because my cousin wanted to try out the class. I went as the carpool driver. Since I was on the recovery days of this nasty cold I've had all week, I planned to rest most of the class and give input from where I was sitting.

My cousin had a year of karate which was quite apparent. But he still moved alright considering. We have the same great grandfather. The one who held anting-anting and walked on fire. Since my cousin had grown up in the Philippines he had had more contact with Grandpa Jose. I know my cousin really wants to learn kali rather than go back to karate. And I wonder if his desire comes from the same source.

I remember watching kali for the first time. My gaze deeply attached to their movements. I only knew that what I was watching was different. The other thing I knew was that I wanted to do that. I wanted to be that. Whatever that was, that's where I was going to be. I would later drive wherever I could to be in kali class. To touch that thing. When my mother told me about her grandfather and how he had sticks like mine, I understood the source of my desire. A destiny that had been encoded in me at birth.

Later on, Tuhan asked me to demonstrate a bit, do some striking for other people. It all seemed kind of blurry, my body running on default. The energy through my body felt murky. My mind would think of things to do, but my body barely listened. I thought about trying to push through. Of course I was off. It would have been nice to be "on" despite the cold, in the same way I can still be "on" despite not feeling into it. But the connection between mind and body were out of sync.

Tuhan later talked about mastery and how few can determine a real master from someone just calling themselves one. He spoke of a friend of his who is also a true master. We used to train with his friend, his class next to hours. He would blow us away. There was something different in his eyes and you knew he saw something that we couldn't see. Tuhan talked about how back in his day they would travel everywhere and anywhere to check out these "masters" to see if they were any good. Constantly calibrating their eyes: they're good, they're not that good, they're real, these other guys are bogus.

Tuhan and his friend were talking and saying that none of their students could do what they do, which is true, but it is why they are masters. I began to wonder if any of us would reach their caliber some day. I wondered what it would take. I wondered about my own journey. What my own abilities would be.

I have not seen much. I have not travelled far and wide to seek out masters. I cannot do push ups without my feet touching the ground. I cannot drive a nail into a wooden board with my bare hands. I wondered how far I'd be willing to go.

But I suppose I made that choice 10 years ago when I took my first class, like my cousin did last night.

As I settled down for sleep last night, I thought of Tuhan's words. My body sank heavily into the mattress. Tears poured from the edges of my eyes. I could barely feel the trails skim my cheeks. They were emotionless tears, an odd sensation compared to most of the tears I had shed this week. My face was calm, my body heavy, my spirit clear, my breath deep and free. I slept soundly and dreamed well.