Sunday, February 04, 2007

It's like playing jenga

One of the other Guras, yes there are more than one of us, there are five of us now, asked me how the back was and what I've been learning from it. The thing about injuries and the thing about kali is that injuries are a source of learning, a chance to see somethng different as the body figures out how to heal itself. And at the time she asked, I wasn't really sure what I've been learning. And at this moment, I'm still not sure what I'm learning since the manifestation of the learning has really not revealed itself consciously yet.

But what I do know if that I have no idea what internal energy is anymore. Or what I thought it was and how I believed it flowed through the body is completely out the window now. Gone! And that for now, there's alot of internal cleaning up to do energy wise. Because every time I try to tap into it, at least find it where I thought it was, I just cry. As if I'm tapping a spring or that the cavern I used to go to is now flooded. My brain simply goes blank. I hear Tuhan say that the movement is internal and he demonstrates and I watch him and he demonstrates on me so I can feel it. And, well, nothing. I'm hoping my body is picking up on all of it, cuz that brain has no idea what he's talking about. So I'm still lost and out of touch with parts of my body.

In the meantime, I find my body has been craving structure. Structure, planning, structure, planning. So when I do move, it's external. And it takes several seconds for me to actually feel where my body is. At least when I want to know where it is. When I go walking, I'll notice that I can feel my feet. And not just my feet, but the ground as well. Must be why I asked to participate in project management training at work and ended up joining a monthly prosperity workshop that is mostly about project management as well but for my personal life.

So structure, planning, structure, planning is what is dictating my life right now as my body can't get enough of it and I find myself craving the need for more and more space. From work to home life and back, I've been spending most of my time learning to build in routine and habits and physically clearing space.

Space, space, space, space. But not a craving for space that pushes one to the outdoors, more like a craving for space inside. Closet space, cubicle space under the desk, drawer space. I'm trying to create more space, a denser open space within the structure that I have. Probably why I bought those space saver plastic bags at Costco the other day, the one where you vacuum out the air in the bag. Though, I found that the plastic seems to be prone to little tears, which break the vacuum. An apt metaphor for me right now. Condensing and listening for the little hiss noise that is leaking the air in. And perhaps that's why the body is craving structure, the internal energy is just all over the place.

In the meantime, I find myself playing jenga with my spine, trying to understand what this new alignment needs to be. Standing is not so bad, and I find that more often than not I'm standing tall without thinking. Sitting is still a problem though I can stand it for a few hours at a time. And as the pain in the middle of my back lessons, pain in other places pop up. Cascading effect.

And I imagine all of this like playing jenga. Carefully pulling one wooden block out to add it on top. Do you pull the ends or the middle out? And then placing it on top again trying to maintain the balance of the body as the blocks are pulled and added.

As as I make this changes both internal to my body and external to my environment, this time in many ways the hubby is coming along for the ride. Now that we share the home environment. It's not just me anymore. And it's not just about kali or just about health or just about prosperity, it's more and more all these things.

Planning. Space and structure. Build and rebuild.

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