Just be

I remember "Just Be" was the theme for a Filipino Queer Conference at UCLA that I attended that was organized by some friends. In the Queer community there was such torment about labels and trying to figure out who you are and how you are depending on who you're associating with. An irony really of "coming out" was an aspect of still really hiding. It's a running joke about how the acronyms in the queer community just get longer and longer. There was L & G, then B & T, then questioning, and so forth and so forth. And so they came up with the theme of "just be" to say to attendees, don't worry about who you are and aren't, just be who you are.

Well, this theme has come back into my life in the last few weeks as this has been the theme of several of Tuhan's lectures. While the 20s were about searching and looking, the 30s is more about being. In one sense, "being" is hard because then what do I have to worry about? I have to let go of all the self-consciousness of being "good enough". I have no more excuses to not do something because I'm not quite there yet. All of that goes out the window! And a part of me likes all that self-consciousness and worry and doesn't know what I'm going to do without it. But in reality, the self-consciousness and worry took up way too much time and energy, and now there's plenty of time and energy to do everything.

In the last month, I decided I wanted to have a home where I could entertain people at a moment's notice and not have to stress about needing to clean up a month in advance just to have people visit. And this meant creating space which I've been writing about over at another blog. I started with doing 15 minutes then 15 minutes, then 15 minutes. Fell off the wagon, then took a different approach where I focused 15 minutes of cleaning and organizing on a single room, like blowing up a balloon, focusing on a room allowed me to create a bigger and bigger space.

I'm not quite done, but I think I've achieved a higher baseline. At the same time, I've actually been consistent with doing the yoga in the morning and before bed, looking to expand the space in my physical body. And each step, expands my energy. I think I'm the healthiest I've ever been in my life. The back injury from a month ago was painful but I see now was part of the healing process and creating the new baseline. It'll be interesting to see what changes when I get braces.

I've started to notice things coming into our lives. Like I told the hubby that I wanted this thing, and then a day or so later this exact thing came into our lives. And I think things came into our lives before but I think they're a bit bigger now which is why we're noticing them. And we're also making things happen.

I looked back at the month of February and it was packed with things as much as every other month, but this time I didn't feel tired from all that activity thinking where did the time go, this time I looked back at the month and felt like I did the things I needed to do. I didn't feel behind or that I was missing something.

Feng shui wise all this rearranging and getting rid of stuff is about being able to focus and concentrate our time and energy better. It's about concerning yourself with the things that really matter to have the most effect on the world around you. There's a great sense of freedom in that.

For a while I had been doubting whether I can have it all and I mean all the dreams I've always wanted. And there's a growing part of me that feels like, yeah, I really can have it all and I'm going to plan to have it all. These are exciting times!