birthdays, bricks, bruises

Saturday we made it through a whirlwind of parties starting with a Philippine town picnic in the morning, followed by my cousin's baby shower in the early afternoon, then finally to Tuhan's significantly numbered birthday. I really don't want to go into the details of the day. The fact that we got home at midnight and stayed chatting about the day's events til 3:30a shows that the day left my head spinning with thoughts. Thoughts that will probably head to a more private journal.

I'll say this. At the birthday party there was a large sheet of paper on the patio windows that marked 1800 to Today. Guests were invited to write in along the timeline when they were born, various other significant moments like marriage/children, etc, when their parents arrived in this country. Tuhan and family "stole" the idea from Ben&Anita who several years ago had created a visual historical timeline of Filipinos in the US. They have put this piece of paper up at different parties as a way of bringing together the stories and histories of the family. But not just family by blood necessarily, but family by kinship and friendship as well.

As generations go by, how strong are these things we say bind us as family? That in reality after many many generations blood may not be as strong as we say it is. And that there may also be ties of family that go beyond biology and may even enter a multiple life spiritual connection.

So Saturday, we attended three very different distinct parties that joined aspects of community. A Philippine town picnic, where we (the kids) only knew our direct relatives and found some tangential relationships with others. Like many Philippine town associations, I wonder how much longer will they really survive. As it seems all the ones I've seen thus far are run by an aging population with very few from the younger generation filling in their ranks and very few immigrants needing to form the bond around township now that there's a Philippine/Filipino association for many many things other than towns now. If Filipinos need kababayan companionship, they can go to Cache Creek. This one is relatively young comparied to others I've seen where the constituency is almost all in their 60s-70s. But to the ones that go, this is family. A link to a geographical marker on the map of the earth: a shared language and location.

My cousin's party. She's a first cousin on my dad's side. We attend, but still really only know and interact with a few of the cousins. Our parents come because they are siblings. They open their home to us because we are their brother's/sister's son/daughter. Slowly we learn more and more about the other cousins. We don't know a whole hell of a lot about each other's lives. But these are the people who come together at the big moments (weddings, funerals). Since we're first cousins we still come together for baby showers, kid's birthdays, debuts, and baptisms. When we were young, we always attended parties of my dad's 2nd and 3rd cousins. As the families aged, we usually only see each other at weddings and funerals. And while my first cousins are just as related to our same 2nd and 3rd cousins, many of the first cousins barely know them because they immigrated here later. With each generation, branches of our connections fall off especially when the strongest ties fall away, the elders. Not to say that I don't enjoy seeing family. Our aunt cooked karekare specifically because she knew my husband liked it. And I like reconnecting with and reacquainting myself with the families. But, reality is, I don't know how well our children will know their children and even now on my mom's side, I can see which families we'll more likely be closer to and which cousins we'll probably be more in touch with as the years go by. It's the nature of things. And really, we're lucky that parts of the family still get together at all. Blood maybe thicker than water, but that doesn't make blood/biology that much stronger. And it's easy to run into people who don't think much of blood at all. There are enough episodes of Maury/Dr.Phil/Montel to testify to that!

A birthday party. There were several circles at the party. Some that intersected, double enforced by multiple bonds, joined by shared experiences. And those that didn't know each other became reacquainted again creating new ties. There were family family, there was money group family, and long time friend's family, and kali family with the focal point at Tuhan's family. Kids played together. We played games. Chit-chatted. Sparred. Ate food. If humans are social beings, then we are built for simply this: playing, eating, talking together. But since the economic survival of the family no longer needs the entire village (at least not in any easily tangible terms - ex. the way women gathered to share chores or the way men gathered to hunt for everyone), our sense of village has become smaller and smaller, even to the point where particularly many Americans feel and believe I need no one else but me.

Parties exist so for moments in our lives we can gather as a village, so as Tuhan's family aptly demonstrated a reweaving of our stories and histories to maintain the fabric that connects us. And that we hope in those moments of eating and drinking and chatting together it leads us to want to create another connection outside of the "party" scene. Maybe I find out someone is a painter and I hire them to paint my house or maybe get together outside for shopping. To connect and reconnect. This takes work. This takes time. It cannot be rushed.

If you're very lucky, you'll find people in your life who even though you haven't seen each other in a long while, you pick up like yesterday, because that connection doesn't diminish with time. But at any given moment, if you are truly lucky you will always have that village around. You will feel their presence and they will feel yours.

Two wise men in my life who when they celebrated their very round and significant birthdays both said on those days how rich/lucky they were because of the friends and families that they had. As Tuhan said in his birthday address, "If you tell me who your family and friends are, I will tell you who you are."